At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
