So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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