I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
