I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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