Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
