Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
