I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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