I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
