There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
