Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
