two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
