everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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