seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
