Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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