He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
