Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
