Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
