I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
