when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I deserve this hangover.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
