I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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