Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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