i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
