Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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