two words: eviction party
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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