On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
