In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
