Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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