the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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