if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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