never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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