I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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