i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
