I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
