She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
