Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
