i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
