I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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