he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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