you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
