Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
