so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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