So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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