There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
