is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
