maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
