i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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