I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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