my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
one might say we're banned from that church
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
