Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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