I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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