I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
