He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
