I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
