Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I party with great urgency now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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