btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
