this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
