My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
