Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Let's get the cat blown out
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
