Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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