Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
