i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
