I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
