Your mouth is God's brothel.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
