we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
