I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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